Cuomo Welcomes Heastie to the White Pants Club

At a recent presentation of his Inopportunity Agenda, New York Governor and department store dummy Andrew Cuomo welcomed Carl Heastie as the new speaker of the state assembly. Cuomo acknowledged that pastoral junkets will accompany the Bronx native's statewide position, proving once again that with great power comes a life of leisurely responsibility:

Assemblyman Heastie is now going to become a statewide official. You’re going to have to share him now. This summer he’s going to take Senator Diaz’s hat, put it on, and we’re going to send him [to] upstate New York. You’re going to see him river rafting in the Adirondacks. You’re going to see him out at Montauk Point shark fishing—reeling in the big one. You’ll see him up in the Finger Lakes, sipping white wine with white pants on. And you’ll say, what happened to Carl Heastie? Wasn’t he from the Bronx at one time?

Before he even thinks about thwarting Cuomo’s perverse agenda—such as by saving public education or fumigating Albany—Heastie has been promised some fun in the sun with Cuomo. New Yorkers should rightly ask whether their governor or their paychecks will be funding the Summer of Carl. 

Moreover, his overtures to Heastie exemplify once again Quid Pro Cuomo’s fetid philosophy of governance: everyone, including Carl Heastie, has a price.

As Heastie considers life on the Cuomo side, middle-class New Yorkers are riding a rapid toward the mouth of a Montauk shark, with members of the White Pants Club lining the shore, pointing and laughing.

Cuomo is a proud member of this club.

And as long as people like Heastie will fit in his pockets, Cuomo will continue to wear the pants.

White Sweaters, White Pumpkins, White Pants