Cuomo to Sign “Cilantro on Shit” Standards into Law

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is sick of the Common Core. So much so, he’s formed another panel to “reboot” the controversial standards, and has even recruited former banker Dick Parsons to once again lead the charge.

Though the panel has yet to meet, their report is in—and it’s not pretty for New York schools.  

According to sources close to the panel, Cuomo will include virtually all of the panel’s recommendations in this year’s state budget—a budget which he fully expects most legislators will not even read. 

Dubbed the “Cilantro on Shit” standards (Cuomo has nothing against cilantro, though he may yet change the name), the new Cuomo standards include the following:

COS2.09: Parents, teachers and students must not question the standards. Those who do shall be told, “It is what it is.” 

COS4.04: Anyone who calls the standards “Cuomo Core 3.0” will be subject to arrest and deportation from the state.

COS4.7: Parents whose children refuse to take Cilantro on Shit tests—for any reason—must pay $500 per child for each test day missed.

COS9.11: Since teachers are likely to have their own children refuse Cilantro on Shit tests, as of 2016, any person employed in the State of New York as a teacher may no longer have kids.

New York State United Teachers (NYSUT) President Karen Magee issued the following statement in response to Cuomo’s latest education reforms:

NYSUT would like to thank Governor Cuomo for fucking us over once again. Now that the standards are law, educators will take them even more seriously. And though working teachers have a lot more to lose than me, including their careers and pensions, NYSUT will not stand in the way of the standards; rather, NYSUT will work tirelessly to ignore members who call on the Union to lead New York’s kids and communities out of the morass of high stakes tests. NYSUT also encourages everyone to dance the Nae Nae, since we believe it is the only way to reclaim the promise of public education.

At press time, Cuomo's office has declined to comment on this story.