Cuomo Names Mulgrew President of NYSUT (Updated)

Cuomo and Mulgrew: Together Again

New York Governor Andy Cuomo recently emerged at a Queens high school to name Michael Mulgrew the new president of NYSUT, the statewide teachers union. That's right:

"Thank you very much. What a pleasure, what a treat. First, to Michael Mulgrew, who is head of the teachers union statewide, who does an amazing job. Why? Because he really believes in what he's doing."  

Dozens of NYSUT members were shocked to learn that Karen Magee is no longer their president. Consequently, since no working teacher beyond Baychester or Bayside actually voted for Mulgrew, thousands of NYSUT members were disenfranchised in one fell swoop. 

Mulgrew said he's enjoyed his time as President of the United Federation of Teachers (UFT) and will stay on until a suitable slug replacement is found. 

In the meantime, NYSUT members should prepare themselves for more giant check photo ops with Cuomo, and .03% of teachers will even win a $5,000 stipend for PD classes from the Lobbyist for the Students. Nevermind your tenure and pension; they aren't as important as Cuomo's political career. 

And those pondering the legality of Mulgrew's promotion should stop right there. For an obscure clause in the NYSUT Constitution states that any NYSUT member who has lunch with the governor as often as Mulgrew shall be president by default.

NYSUT's battles are now Mulgrew's battles, and its motto in 2017 and beyond will be "victory" assuming the state's constitution is rewritten to steal collective bargaining rights and pensions.

Cuomo also thanked NYSUT for its generous contributions to the New York Democrats, his political slush fund. With the help of Mulgrew and even more delicious lunches, Cuomo just wants to say "I love you" to teachers before he screws them over--once again.

Update: Predictably, reaction to this story was swift and skeptical, prompting Cuomo to reaffirm Mulgrew's promotion at yet another giant check photo op, this time at an elementary school in Brooklyn:

First, to the gentleman who you just heard speak. His name is Michael Mulgrew. He is in charge of all the teachers all across the state of New York, and he is a great champion for them, and he works night and day, and he does a fantastic job, so let's give him a big round of applause and a big cheer, he should get a big cheer, Michael, give Michael a big cheer.  

Governor Andy fully intends to bask in even more cheers for Mulgrew in the months to come. After all, it's much nicer than answering questions about why Cuomo, the founder of the Women's Equality Party, decided to throw NYSUT's first female president under the Tampax Express.

At press time, Magee has yet to comment, and is apparently now pretending to be the president of NYSUT.  
        

Cuomo would much rather have lunch with Mulgrew than Magee